A Nervous Case Of...

I got back from China last Sunday. It was an impressive country, but this post isn't about that. It's about how messy my mind after that trip.

Probably this is the "post-travel depression" some people are talking about. I just want to sleep and wake up after a week. Not to deal with work, people, or reality as a whole. I'm anxious, afraid. I'm like a NEET kicked out from his safety habitat. Helpless and shit.

Funny thing though, I don't show it to people. I can't afford to. Because like any responsible human being, I have a job. A job that demands time, attention, and dedication. But I refuse to give 100 percent of that shit. I want to have a life. I don't want that shit to suck everything out of me.

I'm scared of that. But, like I said, I can't afford to be scared. What I do is I wear this mask that says "I am fine", and smile.

Slow Hands

"Punk rock killed practice"

When I started playing the goddamn guitar, I took it seriously. So serious, that I swung my arms up in the air whenever I hear something that involves the guitar. I was obsessed by it. Always eager to learn how to play better, cleaner, and tighter. One of the first songs I learned was this:

 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication

                     
I was friends with this guy back in high school. He was some sort of a "competition" for me because, at that time, he played like a beast. I wanna be like him and I butchered myself into learning a song everyone was amazed he can play:

    Coheed and Cambria - The Crowing

That was probably the start of it all. The reason why am I so obsessed with Coheed stems back to my obsession with the guitar. And that was the reason to, probably, 40% of their fanbase. Learning The Crowing was a challenge and it took me a week to learn it on it's full, and it was just my first month of playing. Oh god, dem callouses.

 I learned all the songs in this album. 

I continued practicing in my bedroom, like a mad man. But that doesn't mean I became a guitar god overnight, I can say that I was a decent player. Then came punk rock:

                                           Minor Threat - Guilty of Being White

                                          Dead Kennedys - California Uber Allies

                                          Pageninetynine - In love with an apparition                 

So on, and so forth.... This "in your fucking face" music that doesn't care a bit about technicalities. It was all about attitude, and having fun. While being angry about something, or letting people know that you believe about this certain thing. You firmly stand by it, and people will acknowledge that. And it was wonderful.

No one hates you for being a shitty guitar player, as long as you're a confident fuckface onstage. People don't care if you miss your notes on a simple solo, you can play it as loud as you want, as sloppy as you want. As long as it's good, and has passion. People will be amazed by it. I was amazed by it, so I played like these punks.

I forgot how important practice was, until I realized that my younger brother is already a better guitar player than me. When I realized I was a front for a metal band with amazing guitar players. I felt inferior. 

And now, I am regretting for not being serious about practicing. Doing daily exercises. Scales. Arpeggios. Proper Staccatos. Sweeps. Chord changes. So on and so forth. I am ashamed that I even mess up the solos I've written. I mess up MY OWN FUCKING SOLOS, damnit.

Bottom line: I need to fucking practice from now on. If I am to be srs with this band thing, I need to be better.           

Recently

I should post something here, right? Yeah..

For some reason, I lost the mojo to share shit about my life to the internets anymore. Probably because of the fact that I am being monitored by evil capitalists that, unfortunately, are our potential investors. Some of you already know that.

Work has been bad to me lately. It robbed my fuckin weekends; the only time I can be with my girlfriend or my friends. The only time I can play with my band, and just wreck havoc on stage while playing sloppy music I like. Fuck this shit.

I always find myself driving to work half-asleep, and just cursing the shit out of my weekday cycle to keep me awake. The effort it takes to just go to work is excruciating, and the hell I experience on work is on a different level.

But here I am, being tough, surviving this shit. Because that's what humans do, survive this shit.

And for moments like these:

These bears are happy as fuck.

Bleh

CREW

Watchagonnadonigga??

 

I look gay as fuck

Let's take a photo like this again, 50 years from now.

I'm a bit clingy, ya know?

I'm a Motherfucking Fallacy.

Today, I fucked up at work. I thought I was on break today so I decided not to wake up early. Well, I woke up at 5am and decided "Fuck it, it's Dad's turn today". Turns out, I was wrong. Everybody was waking me up around 8am, telling me that I have to go to work. Of course I was confused as shit until my Dad called. He asked me that I need to go to the plant. Shit.

So, I jumped off the bed and sprinkled water on my face, then off to work. When I arrived at the plant(10am, I think), everyone had gone home already except for the foreman and one helper. They said everybody got tired waiting so they called the day off. I was disappointed. Not to my employees, to myself. I called my Dad and reported the situation. Work was suspended, obviously.

I can't do anything about is so I decided to go home. I gave our plant secretary a ride home because she basically lives in front of my house. Along the way, she told me that some of my employees doesn't like the way I act/speak towards them. They told her that they're trying their best to finish up the tasks given, and me being shouting at them hurts their feelings. I was shocked. But in a way, I kinda expected them to say that.

I know I was being a horrible boss. I can't even reason out around the fact that recently, I have been grumpy. Probably because of all the pressure I have experienced these past weeks. From coke, from my Dad, from the deadline. I can just tell them that shit, but they won't understand. Besides, I'm just being fucked up mentally. They're being fucked up physically and financially. And here I am, being a dick, fucking them up mentally too. I am the one at fault here.

We'll have a tool box meeting tomorrow so they'll spit that shit out. I'll apologize, I need too.

                                                             Clams Casino - I'm God

I really think this photo is sweet.

Fhloston Drama

I rant too much in the morning, eh?

Men are territorial beasts. It's written in their DNAs, but I bet you already know that. What I'm trying to say is, I kinda despise it. I punch people in the face to defend what's mine. And when you're in a relationship, it complicates things.

I usually don't care, but when my mood goes haywire, I fucking get paranoid. People say that's insecurity. But what the heck? If you're me, insecurity is this massive iron slab chained into your balls. I wish I was born an Alpha Male. You know, those men who looks like they're massively photoshopped before they were born, engineered to be on billboards and magazine covers, formulated to tap womanly desires. Too bad, I was from the Beta DNA: Fat men who stare at computers who either listens to metal or indie pop, cry too much on the internet, forms multiple bands, and eat a fucking lot.

I wish I was invaluable. You know, "the show wont start without him/I can't live with out him"-kinda guy. I was never that guy. I've been with people like that. It was irritating as fuck, but I was envious. I guess that's insecurity or some bullshit like that.

Fuck everything man, I'm going to work.

Validation Game

To be completely honest, the only thing I really enjoy at a show is being on stage. Whether it is a good or a bad set, it's fine. As long as I got the chance to play. I consider that as a rare opportunity, something to be thankful of. Other than that, my status of amusement all throughout the night varies. I'll try to explain it though.

I grew tired of people. No, I don't hate them. That's what rebellious teenagers say. You see, I'm an observer. Though this is just a self-proclamation, I don't really care what you think. Anyway, I just watch people. What they do, what they say, whatever. And I hate it when I see something I fucking despise even though that person is one of my friends. What I hate more is I can't do anything about it.  I mean, you can't just come up to person and say "Yo, I hate your guts". That's not how things work. Everything they do is just the way they are, that's their character, that's how the environment and other countless factors molded them. So, what I do is I shut up in a corner and sip my cold beer. While I observe them.

The other thing I hate is the validation game. It's degrading, and I don't want to take part of it.

Realizing now, I kinda sound like a snob. No I'm not.