A Nervous Case Of...

I got back from China last Sunday. It was an impressive country, but this post isn't about that. It's about how messy my mind after that trip.

Probably this is the "post-travel depression" some people are talking about. I just want to sleep and wake up after a week. Not to deal with work, people, or reality as a whole. I'm anxious, afraid. I'm like a NEET kicked out from his safety habitat. Helpless and shit.

Funny thing though, I don't show it to people. I can't afford to. Because like any responsible human being, I have a job. A job that demands time, attention, and dedication. But I refuse to give 100 percent of that shit. I want to have a life. I don't want that shit to suck everything out of me.

I'm scared of that. But, like I said, I can't afford to be scared. What I do is I wear this mask that says "I am fine", and smile.

Slow Hands

"Punk rock killed practice"

When I started playing the goddamn guitar, I took it seriously. So serious, that I swung my arms up in the air whenever I hear something that involves the guitar. I was obsessed by it. Always eager to learn how to play better, cleaner, and tighter. One of the first songs I learned was this:

 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication

                     
I was friends with this guy back in high school. He was some sort of a "competition" for me because, at that time, he played like a beast. I wanna be like him and I butchered myself into learning a song everyone was amazed he can play:

    Coheed and Cambria - The Crowing

That was probably the start of it all. The reason why am I so obsessed with Coheed stems back to my obsession with the guitar. And that was the reason to, probably, 40% of their fanbase. Learning The Crowing was a challenge and it took me a week to learn it on it's full, and it was just my first month of playing. Oh god, dem callouses.

 I learned all the songs in this album. 

I continued practicing in my bedroom, like a mad man. But that doesn't mean I became a guitar god overnight, I can say that I was a decent player. Then came punk rock:

                                           Minor Threat - Guilty of Being White

                                          Dead Kennedys - California Uber Allies

                                          Pageninetynine - In love with an apparition                 

So on, and so forth.... This "in your fucking face" music that doesn't care a bit about technicalities. It was all about attitude, and having fun. While being angry about something, or letting people know that you believe about this certain thing. You firmly stand by it, and people will acknowledge that. And it was wonderful.

No one hates you for being a shitty guitar player, as long as you're a confident fuckface onstage. People don't care if you miss your notes on a simple solo, you can play it as loud as you want, as sloppy as you want. As long as it's good, and has passion. People will be amazed by it. I was amazed by it, so I played like these punks.

I forgot how important practice was, until I realized that my younger brother is already a better guitar player than me. When I realized I was a front for a metal band with amazing guitar players. I felt inferior. 

And now, I am regretting for not being serious about practicing. Doing daily exercises. Scales. Arpeggios. Proper Staccatos. Sweeps. Chord changes. So on and so forth. I am ashamed that I even mess up the solos I've written. I mess up MY OWN FUCKING SOLOS, damnit.

Bottom line: I need to fucking practice from now on. If I am to be srs with this band thing, I need to be better.           

Recently

I should post something here, right? Yeah..

For some reason, I lost the mojo to share shit about my life to the internets anymore. Probably because of the fact that I am being monitored by evil capitalists that, unfortunately, are our potential investors. Some of you already know that.

Work has been bad to me lately. It robbed my fuckin weekends; the only time I can be with my girlfriend or my friends. The only time I can play with my band, and just wreck havoc on stage while playing sloppy music I like. Fuck this shit.

I always find myself driving to work half-asleep, and just cursing the shit out of my weekday cycle to keep me awake. The effort it takes to just go to work is excruciating, and the hell I experience on work is on a different level.

But here I am, being tough, surviving this shit. Because that's what humans do, survive this shit.

And for moments like these:

These bears are happy as fuck.

Bleh

CREW

Watchagonnadonigga??

 

I look gay as fuck

Let's take a photo like this again, 50 years from now.

I'm a bit clingy, ya know?

I'm a Motherfucking Fallacy.

Today, I fucked up at work. I thought I was on break today so I decided not to wake up early. Well, I woke up at 5am and decided "Fuck it, it's Dad's turn today". Turns out, I was wrong. Everybody was waking me up around 8am, telling me that I have to go to work. Of course I was confused as shit until my Dad called. He asked me that I need to go to the plant. Shit.

So, I jumped off the bed and sprinkled water on my face, then off to work. When I arrived at the plant(10am, I think), everyone had gone home already except for the foreman and one helper. They said everybody got tired waiting so they called the day off. I was disappointed. Not to my employees, to myself. I called my Dad and reported the situation. Work was suspended, obviously.

I can't do anything about is so I decided to go home. I gave our plant secretary a ride home because she basically lives in front of my house. Along the way, she told me that some of my employees doesn't like the way I act/speak towards them. They told her that they're trying their best to finish up the tasks given, and me being shouting at them hurts their feelings. I was shocked. But in a way, I kinda expected them to say that.

I know I was being a horrible boss. I can't even reason out around the fact that recently, I have been grumpy. Probably because of all the pressure I have experienced these past weeks. From coke, from my Dad, from the deadline. I can just tell them that shit, but they won't understand. Besides, I'm just being fucked up mentally. They're being fucked up physically and financially. And here I am, being a dick, fucking them up mentally too. I am the one at fault here.

We'll have a tool box meeting tomorrow so they'll spit that shit out. I'll apologize, I need too.

                                                             Clams Casino - I'm God

I really think this photo is sweet.

Fhloston Drama

I rant too much in the morning, eh?

Men are territorial beasts. It's written in their DNAs, but I bet you already know that. What I'm trying to say is, I kinda despise it. I punch people in the face to defend what's mine. And when you're in a relationship, it complicates things.

I usually don't care, but when my mood goes haywire, I fucking get paranoid. People say that's insecurity. But what the heck? If you're me, insecurity is this massive iron slab chained into your balls. I wish I was born an Alpha Male. You know, those men who looks like they're massively photoshopped before they were born, engineered to be on billboards and magazine covers, formulated to tap womanly desires. Too bad, I was from the Beta DNA: Fat men who stare at computers who either listens to metal or indie pop, cry too much on the internet, forms multiple bands, and eat a fucking lot.

I wish I was invaluable. You know, "the show wont start without him/I can't live with out him"-kinda guy. I was never that guy. I've been with people like that. It was irritating as fuck, but I was envious. I guess that's insecurity or some bullshit like that.

Fuck everything man, I'm going to work.

Validation Game

To be completely honest, the only thing I really enjoy at a show is being on stage. Whether it is a good or a bad set, it's fine. As long as I got the chance to play. I consider that as a rare opportunity, something to be thankful of. Other than that, my status of amusement all throughout the night varies. I'll try to explain it though.

I grew tired of people. No, I don't hate them. That's what rebellious teenagers say. You see, I'm an observer. Though this is just a self-proclamation, I don't really care what you think. Anyway, I just watch people. What they do, what they say, whatever. And I hate it when I see something I fucking despise even though that person is one of my friends. What I hate more is I can't do anything about it.  I mean, you can't just come up to person and say "Yo, I hate your guts". That's not how things work. Everything they do is just the way they are, that's their character, that's how the environment and other countless factors molded them. So, what I do is I shut up in a corner and sip my cold beer. While I observe them.

The other thing I hate is the validation game. It's degrading, and I don't want to take part of it.

Realizing now, I kinda sound like a snob. No I'm not.

Blacc Friday Morn'

I'm supposed to take a bath right now and go to work. What the fuck am I doing in front of my desktop? I felt like writing something because suddenly, I feel insignificant, irrelevant, upon waking up. Not a good thing to start your day, really. I usually start my day jumping out of my bed for bath. Or jacking off, but I haven't done it yet for quite sometime now. Don't worry, I won't talk about jacking off... yet.

I despise it when people disregard my opinions. I curse that shit to the depths of 7 hells. Who wants it anyway? I hate it when you try to say something with substance and someone would just shrug it off like it was utter bullshit. Hey dude, I said something! Ponder on!

I am stressed like a fucking chicken. You know... chickens? Have you seen a chicken that isn't agitated? Have you seen one that looks like it smoked a joint? And now, he's all the loving-friendly, chillin type of chicken because he's high as fuck? If you already did, I don't care. I haven't seen one yet, so all chickens for me looks like they're queasy.

If my opinions doesn't matter to you anymore, it's fine. Don't talk to me ever again.

I feel like shit that I don't even know how to explain this senseless shit.

Being "The Boss"

Umm, nigguh?

Work has been torturing me for the past 2 weeks. Everything about it is tiring. Working conditions, hours, rules and regulations, et cetera. I need to be constantly angry and strict, that's not my thing. I don't even know why people think that being "the boss" is something cool. It's not, it's exhausting.

Yesterday, two of my employees quit. I can't blame them. Their pay has been delayed for 5 days already and they have family to feed, the usual third world problems. I decided not to talk it out with them. If there's an instance that they change their minds, I know their performance wont be the same. So I let them go.

Earlier, I fired one because he didn't go to work for two days. He was protesting about the delay of their pay. It was an administrative action. I looked at the current state of the project and realized, we don't need people like him.

But I tell you, it was not easy. It was not cool.

                               Micro-manage? Yes. Cutting my balls off? Not yet.

The Tape Deck #1 - Outkast

So, I'm doing a series/segment/whatever called The Tape Deck. In which I talk about artists I currently listen to, or artists that I really love as fuck. Why? Because I'm bored.
Random disclaimer!!! : Beauty is subjective, we all know that. I may post shit that you don't like and there's a chance that I don't give a fuck if you do. Enough of this shit, let's talk business.. 

OUTKAST

Andre 3000 and Big Boi. Photo from their Facebook.

The Back Catalog

I play guitars for this band called The Strangeness. And I tell you, we don't just sing about drugged fantasies about baby jesus, we're fun people to hang out too! Well, there's the occasional drama but, fuck it.. We are fun as fuck!

But before that, I played in these bands :

1. Spaghetti Carnage (2005) - 2 months after knowing how to play a few chords on the guitar, I dragged my classmates who are likewise inexperienced with their instruments. The name was just random shit me and Alvin (bassist) thought. I liked Cheese too much so I thought that my band should have a food as it's name too. Alvin liked Slapshock too much so, his band should have a "harsh sounding" name, I don't even know. We covered RHCP songs back then, pretty funny stuff.

We were in high school. Kids. We thought we're gonna get big. That's the bad thing about high school bands, they always think they're gonna get big. We even converted our bassist's garage into a rehearsal space. Bought air-conditioning, sound proofing, a fucking drumset, and all that mumbo-jumbo. We were good friends, but girls fucked us up. 

I won’t tell you what happened, but I think all of us in the band regretted that shit.

Shit dawg. I listen to Tyler, the Creator too much.

To Disappoint, To Be Disappointed

As I told at my last post, I forgot how to get angry. But I get disappointed, a lot. The moment where everything doesn’t go the way you wanted to. In my case, it is more than "sometimes", and I usually just sigh it out and let it pass me.

I remember not being like this. Back in 5th grade, I remember punching a boy in the mouth because he was using aimbots in Counter-Strike 1.3. 1st year high school, while playing basketball, I started a riot when a guy tried to shove me while I was up in the air rebounding. First strike, at his temple. 4th year high school, pinned down someone bigger than me and gave him "fists of fury". LOL that was just random punches coming from everywhere while my knees was on his shoulders. It was bloody. I had a black eye and bleeding mouth. He fainted.

I can proceed, but that shit is boring. It's funny how I clearly remember these fights, but I can't even remember the names of my employees.

In my defense, I was a kid. A violent kid. And it's really amazing how I've changed. The moment I reached legal age, I've never been in a fight ever again. Yes, 18. Second Year College. Don't get me wrong though, there were a lot of instances that I would like to introduce my fist to the guy's mouth (happened a lot on places like The Fort and Eastwood City). It's just that, when you're an adult, word power is stronger. Too much drama though. 

What I wanted to say was, in this world, you always just have to suck it up and talk it out. Or just, sigh it out.

This post is disappointing, somehow.

On inconsiderate people

One of the things I hate about myself is, I tend to be the first one to blurt out "Oh, it's okay. I understand." When people act like shit around me, or if they give me sugar-coated reasons to turn me down. It brings forth inconvenience on my part, but sometimes I give up without pushing it. I grew tired with all the drama involving it and sometimes, I just don't fucking care.

I may have been irritated, pissed or whatever. But it has been a long time since I've been angry. I already forgot how to, all I know is I'm not the most pleasant guy when I'm angry. Cutting ties with people is one of the things I do when I am. The rest, I’ve already forgotten.

No, I'm not angry, I just don't know why am I not angry.

I hope people would listen when others talk. What the fuck am I saying again?

I hope this lasts.

I've always wanted to start a blog outside the comforts of micro-blogging (twitter/tumblr). Well, to improve my non-existent skill in writing. And, just like the reasons of 16 y/o girls all over the world, to vent out or share anything about my plain shit of a normal life.

For legal reasons, I am not able to use my real name anymore in any of my internet accounts. Or if I do have the chance to use it, I painstakingly hide that account from the public eye. The company I work for is currently in the process of entering the stock exchange. It's a family business, so every member is being hunted by the public. Public = Investors. Investors = the whole fucking world. You can't tell the internet what you feel, you can't even spit shit. It affects the whole worth of the company. I wonder if the Cojuangcos are having a hard time dealing with their company's worth whenever Kris Aquino acquire STD, again, from some new douche.